Playing Devil's Apricot

A Hot Pink and Chartreuse New Year to All!

devilsapricot — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 19:55:03 +0000

Very glad to leave the oughts…and quite a few “ought-nots” behind.

Top Tens…sorta

devilsapricot — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 22:22:44 +0000

Top Ten(ish) Favourites of 2009*

2. Laughing.
3. Knowledge-sharing, successful cooperative teamwork and those who do what they say they’ll do, especially in a timely manner.
4. Reading for hours and hours.
5. Hot pink and chartreuse.
6. Smart and funny television: 30 Rock, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Modern Family, etc.
7. Frankincense, patchouli and lavender. And black. Oh, and cheese.
8. Really good presenters, public speakers, stand-up comics and humourous superheroes.
9. Enjoyable game-playing, the point of which is FUN (and sometimes winning), like Boggle, Twister, Pictionary, and Dealer’s Choice Poker with folks who have never played or, like me, keep forgetting the rules.
10. Going to the movies by myself and sitting so close to the screen I feel like I’m actually in the film.
11. The kind of music, whatever that happens to be on any given day, that makes me completely forget I’m even here and seems to get all the synapses firing the way they’re supposed to (or the way I imagine they’re supposed to which, now that I think about it, might not even remotely be the way they’re actually supposed to be firing).
12. People who are kind. The same ones who are able to say “I’m sorry” and “Thank you” and “I was wrong” and “You’re doing a great job!”

*(1. Family, true friends, good co-workers & selfless volunteers are always the implied #1 on the above list)

Ten(ish) Least Favourites of 2009

1. Bullies. Including people who perceive themselves to be raised up when they attempt to beat others down.
2. Liars. You know…that…eventually…the truth will out.
3. Selfishness. Always putting your own interests, financial or other, before everything else. Click here to see how lucky you already are and here to see how significant.
4. Know-it-alls and those who feel a compulsive need to constantly and condescendingly correct others, even when, more often than not, they themselves are woefully misinformed.
5. Those who refuse to remove the huge burning log from their own eyes before attempting to remove the speck from yours.
6. The empathyless. If someone asked you, “Why did the death of [insert close relative here] upset you so much?” would you think that person had a living, beating heart? Yeah, me neither.
7. Incompetence and cowardice masked by bravado and the inabilty to ever say, and utter intolerance of hearing, “I don’t know.”
8. Malicious game-playing, the point of which is certainly not fun…malicious game-playing includes knowledge-hoarding, rule-changing, mobbing, politics, banking and sometimes pictionary.
9. Misuse of the apostrophe. Enough said.
10. Complainers. Unless they’re really, really, really funny. (Lewis Black and Larry David are allowed to complain until they’re blue in the face.)
11.Drivers who, for whatever reason, completely forget they’re behind the wheel of 3 tons (more or less) of moving steel. Also those to whom the 4-way stop is a complete mystery.
12. The nursers of imaginary grudges and perceived slights. Get over yourself. We didn’t even notice you were in the room. (see number 3, above) ((also please note: this is very different from the nursers of REAL grudges and REAL slights…nursing those is, of course, completely legitimate))
13. Being accused of having the accuser’s faults. I have enough of my own to correct already, thank you. (This will generally only occur if you’re part of that small group of individuals that is 1. in a relationship, 2. divorced or 3. working for a living.)

Very Important Research for a web-based company

devilsapricot — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 17:34:45 +0000

Facebook had another survey and, being a responsible member of that select social networking community of like-minded and kindred souls, I think I’m pretty much honour-bound to answer these sorts of things, no? It’s simply a matter of principle. (Plus, I just delete the questions I don’t like.)

Have you ever gone bar hopping?
Am way too lazy to get up once I start drinking.

Have you ever been in a fight?
I engage in the occasional fracas and ruckus, yes. It’s a non-profit job hazard. Fisticuffs will break out at even the best-chaired meeting at the most well-intentioned charity. Ask anybody.

Did you win?
I’m all about the victory. The victory and cheese.

Is there one person in the world that you hate with a passion?
The people I dislike aren’t interesting enough to be worthy of hate.

How tall are you?
Uh…what exactly are you implying?

Are you right handed or left?
Absolutely!

Do you sleep on the right, left or middle part of the bed?
I sleep on the top part of the bed.

Have you ever kissed someone on a dare?
Not sure how to answer. This is gonna seem like a stupid question, but where exactly is the “dare” located?

If you saw a snake in your room what would you do?
Like a “snake”? or a snake snake?

Any tattoos? Where?
Yes. On my friends; can see them better that way.

Ever been flipped the bird in traffic?
Birdshit’s been flipped on my car in traffic.

Do you like pirates?
My pets are pirates.

Are you the Lemon?
I am the walrus.

Is Scientology the most ridiculous religion you ever heard of?
It is certainly one of the most ridiculous religions that isn’t self-aware enough to realize it’s ridiculous. The big ones already know they’re ridiculous, even though they pretend they’re not. “huh, what? THIS pointy hat? ummm…HEY, MY CHILD, SAY 10 HAIL MARYS!”

How often do you use hand sanitizer?
Sometimes.
Well, often.
Ok, frequently.
Frequently? Is that good? How often should I use hand sanitizer?

How many times a day do you brush your teeth?
Generally two, sometimes five. But it’s the flossing that’s most important.

Do you like country music?
Yes, out of earshot.

What sport do you play?
Monday morning piggyback.

What is your favorite holiday?
Good Friday.

Why?
Poker.

Do you have a fireplace?
I’ve got a mock fireplace. To go with my mock heart(h).

What time is it?
Does anybody really know?

Do you play FarmVille?
Stop that.

Last person you deleted from your Facebook page?
Wouldn’t it be kinda dumb to reveal that?

Where are you right now?
At sixes and sevens.

Do you have any pets?
Three feline pirates, yes.

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
Where the Wild Things Are. But I didn’t see it in theatres. I only saw it once.

What…is your favourite colour?
Blue. No, yel– auuuuuuuugh!

Do you have a crush on anyone?
Good God, no. Who has that kind of time and energy? And intestinal fortitude? Not I.

First person you think of after you read this question?
ME! ~big gap-toothed grin~

How many people do you live with on a daily basis?
Broadly defined, four.

What do you believe your purpose in life is?
Keeping the faith. But I’m not fully convinced of that.

Why do you keep your biggest secret away from the world?
Listen, is there some confusion over what the word “secret” means? A secret is supposed to be kept away from the world. I’m just following the agreed-upon social conventions with respect to secrets.

Whats your favorite saying or motto?
“That’s what YOU think!”

Whats your view on people in general?
Dim.

Pick one, wind, earth, fire, water, lightning, sound, nature, spirit, lunar, and solar. Explain how you connect with or are like that element.
Fire BAAAAD!

What bad habit in others gets most on your nerves?
Failure to use turn signals. Also, inappropriate scratching.

What do you think about yourself? Strengths? Weaknesses?
This question FAILS. Next!

What is your favorite thing about the world?
Because the wind is high, it blows my mind.

What’s your least favorite thing about the world?
Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry.

What’s your view on crying?
Oh, yeah, crying. It’s a total sign of weakness in both sexes and at all times, no exceptions, not ever. Might as well put a big ol’ “L” on your forehead.

What kind of arts do you like least?
Poetry readings, unless intentionally meant to be funny.

What’s your favorite season? What does it symbolize to you?
Autumn is my favourite season. I cannot speak for everyone but, for me at least, it symbolizes the period between summer and winter.

Day or Night? Why?
Day, then Night, repeat. Seems to work.

…trying to be more concise…failing? perhaps…

devilsapricot — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 01:39:53 +0000

Laura added the Amble Application, the leisurely, aimless game of walking slowly in random directions, while staring off into the middle distance and pondering life’s mediocrities. Challenge your friends, play solo in our what’s-the-point mode, or play and chat semi-consciously with fellow Amble fans. Join the 3 or 4 Facebook users who have already attempted to install this indolence-inducing fan favourite!

Laura is finding stuff she lost on the internet. No socks though.

Laura hates it when you have such high hopes for a gift application, you even let it access your page and your info., only to ultimately find out the creator of the gift application couldn’t tell a notable golem of ancient legend from a notable golem of totemic myth if it hit him over the head with a Jungian archetype.

Laura took the “What Motivational Obscenity most inspires you?” survey.

Laura received a “Tony Robbins Reference to the Giant Within” using Crappy Gifts for Overwrought Office Managers

Laura added the Tarot Job Search application. The cards currently indicate she should tie her worldly belongings to a stick and take her Jack Russell terrier on a walk along the cliffs.

Laura is sitting in the fabled bat turd seat.

Laura completed the quiz “Which cuddly Harlequin novel scoundrel are you?”

Laura: “I love the smell of Facebook in the morning.”

Laura is spending the day smiting a plague that has been visited upon her house and the house of her children.

Laura wants to know whose hilarious joke it was to make a relaxation CD almost impossible to open.

Laura took the quiz, “Can you present an award without giving a lengthy falsely self-deprecating speech about yourself?”

Laura just accidentally ate some paper. Again.

Laura says today is the first day of the rest of the days that precede your death.

Laura has the germ of an idea and has been quarantined until it passes.

Laura is researching cures for vertigo-induced babbling and skin-picking. She cannot believe there is, as of yet, no name for this affliction.

Laura is waiting for McCain to say swine flu entered the U.S. through Canada due to our lax border protocols.

Laura took the “Which mighty woman of the Roller Derby are you?” quiz.

Laura only publishes quizzes yielding results that please her. The result of “Do you speak too frequently in the third person?” quiz did not please her.

Laura took “The Book of Exodus Quiz” and the result is “Yes” (This one is completely for real, I didn’t make it up. The result was actually “Yes”.)

Laura completed the quiz “The sound of which falling object represents the voice of your soul?” with the result Purportedly Unbreakable Glass Bowl.

Laura is shocked to read there may be a real place known as the George W. Bush Presidential Library. She’s sure Snopes.com will soon reveal this is a hoax or urban myth.

Laura added the “It’s the guerney, not the expiration” imminent death inspirational quotations application.

Laura thinks that perhaps those folks who are medicated are more thoughtful, considerate and nonjudgmental than those pompous asses around them who are so proud of being unmedicated, despite their obvious dire need.

Laura took the quiz, “What TVOntario Celebrity are you?” with the result “You are Elwy Yost. You are balding and good-natured, yet cannot refrain from giddily revealing the plots of films immediately prior to an audience member’s viewing of same.”

Laura added the “Berlusconi Self-Proclaimed Top of the Popularity Chart Standing With A Bullet and a Side of Indignant Demand for Apology from Spouse” application.

Laura hates it when she stares off into space somewhere and then, after awhile, suddenly realizes she’s been staring directly at someone’s face, someone she’s never met, without even knowing it.

Laura finds it odd someone would end a really long survey with these two final questions, “what is the meaning of life?” and “do you have any open sores?”

In a wager pitting anyone or anything against static cling, always put your money on static cling.

Laura is no longer a fan of being a fan

Laura is having a really hard time maintaining the speed limit and observing caution signs on the high road, despite the fact almost no one is taking it.

Laura has no idea why the name Johnny Wockenfuss just popped into her head

Laura reminds you, on this national day of shedding light on venereal diseases, that the clap and the clapper are two completely different things. Have a bright, lesion-free day!

Laura: Accidental Destroyer of Staplers.

Laura demands less drama, more comedy!

Laura implores you first to ask yourself, “What would Barney Fife do?”

Laura is recovering from the aural assault of excruciatingly boneheaded radio banter.

Laura enjoys reading this portion of the safety manual, “Pre-holiday high spirits notwithstanding, never engage in any prank, horseplay, contest, feat of strength, unnecessary running, rough and boisterous conduct or airing of grievances on the premises, in the plant or near the pole.”

Laura says, “It is better to have loved and lost than loved and lost half the equity in your house.”

Laura says, “A rose by any other name would still wilt and die and show its true colours as the meaningless public display of false sentiment that it is.”

Laura says, “Love is never having to say, ‘No, you don’t look fat in that.’ “

Laura is displaying symptoms of early onset late stages of time disuse disease.

Laura is looking for the most escapist night possible without having to leave the comfort of her living room.

Laura insists Mapquest be renamed Mapcrap. She’d have better luck getting her directional advice from a sextant or a passing wizard.

Laura has noted the pit of patience is not bottomless and yet the well of tests and tribulations never runs dry. WTF?

Laura is craving lemon wacky hello.

Laura is reading “The Humble Paperclip: If you meet the Buddha on the Path, Should you Kill Him With It?”

Laura took the “Which famous office administrator are you?” quiz.

Laura has given up and is gently placing a flame thrower next to her stapler and paper clips.

Laura cast her vote in the poll: “The Vatican: Holy See or Incredibly Exclusive Landlocked Robed Gentlemen’s Club?”

Laura is inventing flame-retardant “trial by fire” business attire.

Laura requests that you please stop stoking the fires of nuttery.

Laura does not love it when whimsically random generalizations and ridiculously provocative non-facts are mistaken for painstaking research simply because they are neatly typed and include colour-coded charts and graphs.

Laura cannot believe she’s heard the words “Buddy Hackett” three times today, in three unrelated situations.

Laura removed the “Dictating of Humiliating Edicts” application from everyone’s profile.

Laura has stricken the word “complexivist” from her vocabulary. As should you all. Particularly if you’re using it in a Bio somewhere. Like on Twitter. Yes, you.

Laura added the “Gee, your chair smells terrific!” application

Laura refuses to contemplate a life without pockets.

Laura has some extremely important decisions to make. Fortunately, she is well-armed with time-proven decision-making techniques and is pleased to report that, so far, “Signs Point To Yes” and “Outlook Good” !!!

Laura wishes she could time travel, if only to tell Rod Serling that the pronunciation of “robot” is not ROW-bit.

Laura asks that you please colour your photo purple if you support the restoration of the rights of disinherited royals now in hiding and living in fear for their riches.

Laura thinks it’s funny, after someone is encouraged to share their new idea, to dismissively bellow “That’s Crap!”

Laura became a fan of overuse of the word “crap”.

…from the wayback machine…

devilsapricot — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 04:32:03 +0000

a short wholesome family story from november 2004:

i was reading jack to sleep the other night, then i said: hold on a minute, buddy, i have a terrible headache, i have to take some aspirin

jack: assroom?

me: what?

jack: assroom. you said assroom.

me: i did NOT say assroom. i said aspirin. assroom isn’t even a word.

jack: yes it is, you’re always saying it in the car.

me: what?

jack: you’re always asking for more assroom when you’re driving in the car.

me: no, no! i always yell, “hey buddy, get off my ASS!”, not “i need more ASSroom!”

***
…just realized it’s september 10…my dad would have been 72 today…and he would have liked this story

words

devilsapricot — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 19:52:22 +0000

…words some should read…

…to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends…

devilsapricot — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 01:28:34 +0000

Laura quotes from the bible, “Before thou remove the speck from thy neighbour’s eye, be sure to remove the pile of crap from thine own eye first.”

Laura added the “How to invite friends and/or family to an event in the socially accepted fashion, i.e., actually inviting them” application.

Laura joined the group, “It’s such a relief to find the source of a stench and eliminate it.”

Laura: seeing faces where there are none.

Laura: seeing feces where there are none.

Laura added the “rag-tag buncha saint-appointing popes” application.

Laura greets the morning. Let the joy be unconfined.

Laura is performing a science experiment. Much like Diet Coke and Mentos, but with anger and her brain instead. Good thing she’s doing this out in the backyard.

Laura says to herself, “Move away from the self-help section. At least until Chapters starts providing shopping carts.”

Laura is thrilled her son can kill so many Nazi Zombies.

Laura took the “Which actor turned musician turned lunatic are you?” quiz.

Laura took the “What the patterns on your skull where you ripped out handfuls of hair reveal about your ideal job” quiz.

Laura added the “romantic symbolism of noxious weeds” application.

Laura lamentz the lost art’ve speling.

Laura is seeking the elusive mountain shrimp.

Laura joined the group “Remove Stephen Harper’s fake face and fake cheques from Fake…erp, Facebook.”

Laura added “5 things I forgot that I wish I could remember.”

Laura added “5 people I wish I never had to speak to again.”

Laura added the “Pick Your 5 Anonymous” application. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Laura added the “I do not need to be notified every time someone uses an application” application.

Laura added the “That’s gonna leave a mark” application.

Laura has the jimmy legs and will surely cause an incident.

Laura feels sick every time she accidentally stumbles upon a page containing Stephen Harper’s smarmy punchable face.

Laura states that your insufferable optimism clashes with her tasteful nihilism.

Laura removed the “Platitudes such as ‘smile,’ ‘relax,’ and ‘lighten up,’ masquerading as helpful advice” application.

Laura is worshipping at the altar of the Dark Virgin of the Black Bean Burrito.

Laura is not a fan of people who use other people.

Laura became a fan of people who use deodorant.

Laura became a fan of people who use their indoor voice. GOT IT?!?

Laura advises caution. The dumb and the stupid are playing a dangerous game of chicken. Beware and be careful out there.

Laura became a fan of the healing power of hatred.

Laura is allergic to her own skin. And to magic.

Laura woke up with the Funky Cold Medina earworm.

Laura took the survey, “When a number you’re dialing repeatedly isn’t answered do you try it over & over & over again and then finally, after hours of trying, send a frantic panicked email asking the callee where they are or do you sensibly re-check the number, realize you’ve dialed it wrong, and then dial it correctly thus proving you’re actually qualified to work in an office?”

Laura should be shocked and amazed that being killed due to police brutality is now called “in-custody death syndrome.” But she’s not.

Laura joined the group “doG’s in his kennel and all’s right with the world.”

Laura has finally given in and adopted a slack-jawed, glassy-eyed, tilted-head, drooling response to things she doesn’t understand.

Laura added the “I’ll be Bach” classical terminator application.

Laura became a fan of edible oil products.

Happy Family Day

devilsapricot — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 20:12:16 +0000

Laura became a fan of the Sisters of the Divine Severity.

Laura became a fan of the statue of Santa Lucia, patron saint of judgmental statues.

Laura added the “Enjoy the freedom of the day after sickening red sludge” application. (posted Feb. 15)

Laura asks, “What’s better than spending your Valentine’s Day with a nun? Spending it with TWO nuns!”

Laura asks “Can jogging headlong into traffic ultimately be all that good for your health?”

Laura asks “what is this thing in my head?”

Laura removed the “Old Talbot, New Talbot, Borrowed Talbot, Blue Talbot County Mapquest” application.

Laura became a fan of “He’s just not that into me, but I really couldn’t care less.”

Laura asks does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care? Does anybody really read software license agreements before clicking “I Agree”?

Laura removed the “Punch a Skunk” application.

Laura added the “Burnt Cheese – Food of the Gods” application.

yes, more snow

devilsapricot — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 02:00:16 +0000

Laura is making her list of New Year’s Retributions.

Laura is making her list of New Year’s Persecutions.

Laura added the “Bagpipe Hero” game application.

Laura asks the question, “When exactly did a regular television series length become only 12 episodes?”

Laura joined the group “The Worst Thing for your Teeth is Secrets.”

Laura says it’s “REAL-tor” not “RE-LA-tor”. SO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP IT, JUST STOP IT!

Laura joined the group “Hard as it is to believe, no, bright green eyeshadow is STILL not as hot as it was in the 70s. Please continue to wait years to use it.”

Laura added the “Body scars and other flirtatious conversation starters” application.

Laura added the “out of control violent fantasies perpetrated against the terminally dumb” application.

Laura joined the self-help group “Repeatedly Re-reading your own witty Responses Anonymous.”

Laura is going to organize the internet today.

Laura advises you not take off your gloves with your teeth after salting the stairs.

Laura asks “How can a non-smoker get a legitimate six to seven minute break every hour?”

Laura has banned the use of the word “plaque” with respect to any conversations involving volunteer recognition. Thank you for your attention.

Laura added the “Waiting for Escargot” application.

Laura added the “compulsive need to defy authority” application.

Laura added the “control the lives of your enemies through plots hatched in secret places” application.

Laura added the application “Managing through cured meat and salty language.”

Laura is suffering from lack of helium.

Laura added the “Barging into Queues” application.

Laura says “My aura hurts.”

Laura says “Bring it! What doesn’t kill me only covers up the garbage better on my lawn.”

Laura became a fan of mind-numbing comfort.

Laura says “I will shovel no more forever.”

Laura is reading “Are you there God? It’s me, Mephistopheles.”

uh…Happy New Year?…playing catch up…

devilsapricot — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 01:43:55 +0000

Laura left the group “Das Pope und his Backward-looking Pronouncements.”

Laura added the “Woolco $1.44 Day” application.

Laura joined the group “If I drive my car, they’ll tax the street, if I try to sit, they’ll tax my feet, if I don’t like sour they’ll tax my sweet, if I want to clean they’ll tax my neat, if I hate mosquitos they’ll tax my deet, if I’m sick of Shelley they’ll tax my Keats, if I want to subtract they’ll tax delete, if I just can’t win they’ll tax defeat.”

Laura added the “Bug-headed galloping morning cat with pupils the size of quarters” application.

Laura added the “Take your perky and SHOVE it!” application.

Laura added the “I saw Mommy kissing Dr. Oz” holiday infidelity application.

Laura added the “Self-shoveling sidewalk” application.

Laura removed the “self-filthing car” and “house of chaos” applications.

Laura became a fan of buying magazines and forgetting to read them. Well, not so much a fan as a victim.

Laura took the “What is Stephen Harper’s Hair Made of?” survey.

Laura added the “Middle of the Night Dripping Tap and Banging Gate so Now I’m Up” application.

Laura deleted the “Crapload of Hysterical Rhetoric” application.

Laura added the “Preserve us from Rednecks” application.

Laura is trying to remove the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” earworm application.

Laura added the “Secret Keys” application.

Laura can’t be bothered to add the “Performance Apathy” application.

Laura has entered stealth mode.

Laura left the group “Incestuous Communities in our City and the Personal Politics and Incompetence that Plagues them.”

Laura added the “Nightmares” application, but not on purpose.

Laura added the “Big Sack o’ Crazy” application.

Laura tried to add the ‘ACME Clone Yourself’ application but could not, so she added the “Opposable Toes” application, which is just as good.

Laura added the “Show Your Work” application.

Laura added “The Magic Of Porridge” application.

Laura joined the group “You can’t choose your family, but you can choose their nicknames.”

Laura added the “Book Lust Intervention” application.